I took this picture with a Pentax 67 medium format camera many years ago, when I was still using film. It has always captured my interest but I have never printed it… I wonder why? This image is of incredible clarity and deserves to be printed at a very large scale. I took this picture in Berdejo, the little town in Spain my parents spend most of their time and I should be looking for a bigger house so I can find a wall big enough for it!
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Tuesday December 18th, 2012 - Ordesa
"I walked through the frozen valley surrounded by monsters, looking down at me, like nightmares of the months past, nightmares of ugly images, images of lifeless love. I walked in solitude, in silence, through the frozen white eternity, through the canyons of my youth. I walked with my thoughts hurting my heart. I felt the cold, I felt the loneliness, the quiet paths, frozen but pure. I walked in silence surrounded by my music, my tears frozen, my breath heavy, my mind restless. I walked in silence. And through the hours of discovery, I felt something, I felt an energy coming from inside me, a flame that warmed my spirit and the monsters became angels, and the frozen valleys became paths to new dreams. And the pure snow became warm, became a sign of peace. And the silence broke with sounds of running rivers, the sounds of waterfalls, the sounds of good memories. And I looked at her in my mind and her eyes brought me happiness, her voice told me about all the dreams we lived together and the angels got jealous, and the angels brought the dusk into us and I had to turn around, but I turned around with images of her, with a smile in my face. And the frozen tears were left behind and they will melt in the spring with memories as pure as the snow I walked through that day. And I ran away, down the frozen valley afraid of the monsters in my head, and when I arrived at the beginning of my journey I looked back and I said goodbye, and I hoped the monsters would stay there, in the cold frozen valleys of my youth. I will come back, and hopefully the monsters will once more transform into the angels I always dream of."
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One of my oldest memories is spending time with my father reading books on a Sunday morning. There were two books I remember better than any other, Moby Dick and a large book of photographs called Wonders of the World. I was probably six years old, and I can clearly remember passing page by page looking at these wonderful images. Maybe it was then that it was engraved in my soul, the passion to travel and capture the breathtaking beauty of this planet.
Canyon de Chelly is another example of the beauty of the American West. In 1998 my wife and I explored this wonderful canvas where Native American history and geological wonder mix in one.
A colored version of this image was the front cover of my father’s book. I never knew the name of the place, but when I saw the canyon for first time it felt like a circle was closed in my life. I thank my father for that
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I took this image in Belize in one the artificial islands they have created out of sand. I used my heavy tripod and made a 30 seconds exposure at f22 aperture, ISO 100, with a 17mm wide angle lenses. The effect on the clouds and the water is created by the very long exposure.
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“Like a water horse, the ocean reminds me of how small we are, reminds me of our place in this planet. Its outrageous beauty; its powerful stand; its anger; its brute force; a beast that appears out of nowhere; a master of perfection in an imperfect world. I am afraid of the waves, I am in love with the waves.”
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One of the important questions I ask myself when starting to develop an image is: where is the pure black and where is the pure white in my picture? Once I find them I try to fill everything in between with color, contrast, textures, geometry, depth and so on a so on. I really love this picture. I took it in Alaska, at the Denali National Park, in company of my dear Sue and my parents. I have always wanted to take my father to Alaska, and once I did, I will never forget the deep impact that place had on him. It makes a difference when you picture the moment in which you pressed the shutter and all the thoughts and memories that surround that moment.
Outside that, this photograph answers a lot of questions on what makes an image a powerful image. Geometry: rounded shapes stroked through vertical lines; depth: from the close up of the pebbles in the water to the texture of the top of the small waterfall and many levels in between; color: beautiful contrast of the oranges and red of the rich mineral rocks with the soft white, grays, blacks and so many colors of the layered rocks.
This is one of uncle Joe’s roses in his farm in Dexter, Michigan. My mother has this image nicely framed in her house in Zaragoza and every time I see it I think about how frustrated I was that I did not focus 100% when I took it… now I would not even consider this image as one of my key images if it wasn't for the soft dreamy romantic texture of its subject.
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I can't possibly describe the beauty of the Greek Islands in one simple image, so in this case I am choosing three, plus a little of my poetry.
"A magical place.
The wind cools my skin
under the merciless sun;
the echoes of blue
broken by the whites
on the steep cliffs
climbing from the sea.
A circle of perfection
in a forgotten place
Surrounded,
incarcerated by her;
a maze of colors,
a labyrinth of compositions,
a world on the edge,
a blue so blue,
that takes everything.
An air so pure,
a sun so crisp
that burns in my soul,
that engraves in my memory
a moment never to be forgotten
I can feel that weight again.
Pulling down my chest.
Making me alive.
One more time
I make sense of my life
only in solitude,
away from the confused world,
confused souls that do not understand
that paradises like this
do not belong to us.
And like music,
it seems that the white treasures
that complete this landscape,
should have been always there,
should have been part of her.
A touch of color.
A touch of life
in a desert island.
A present from her to us.
An explosion of generosity
Like a fine line of clouds in the blue sky
the white treasures paint
the peaks of the cliffs.
Like snowy ridges
in the desert of the sea,
in a sea so old,
a sea that witnessed time.
Stories of us,
stories of the past.
Stories without sense
of successes and disasters,
of pride and embarrassment
of geniuses and devils.
And all this uncontrollable beauty
make me think of her.
Her smile,
her love.
All the moments we spent together.
Here is that heavy feeling again
in the deepest spaces of my heart.
All the miracles I have shared with her.
Only the deepest blue of the sky,
the unending ripples of the sea,
the falling sun over the horizon,
the cooling wind in my face
can compare to her love.
The music, the colors of paradise,
paradise we all look for
and that I have finally found
on sharing these treasures with her."
Santorini, June 2005
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In the summer of 1996 I spent 3 days driving around the Spanish Pyrenees. It was my first trip back to Spain after starting my photography studies at Oakland Community College in Farmington Hills, Michigan. I borrowed my father’s station wagon and got lost in the beauty of the stone villages in the deep mountain valleys. There was no schedule in those three days, no plan, just driving, stopping here and there, studying light and textures, walking the stone paved streets of the narrow villages looking for treasures. I remember the silence, the fresh air, the smell of firewood, the bakery, sheep on their way to the stable. Like a stranger, I walked those streets under the cool shade observing the clock of time that stopped a long time ago on these villages. I was fascinated by the textures of the walls, the light through the half opened doors, the details of the simplicity of life in these remote villages.
On one of the many turns I came across an old church, distant from any town. It sits in a valley near Torla, close to the Ordesa National Park in Huesca. I pulled over and took my time examining the texture of the stone walls, the composition of lines and values of light. I laid down the tripod and tried to combine into one single frame the simplicity of its geometry, the vertical lines of the rod iron fence, the arch creating a semicircle over the sun lighted wall, the volume created by the multiple imaginary lines that makes this image.
When I observe this image, many things come to my mind: history, time, old, solitude, architecture, Spain, home, growing up, photography. Many hours in the darkroom looking at a blank piece of photographic paper become a dream come true. The day I printed this image for first time I knew that photography would be a key part of my life forever.
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Have you asked yourself why some images become much more attractive than others? Why am I drawn to an image? The subject is obviously one of the keys; color can be another; contrast and composition no doubt, but if there is one that you keep finding in some of history’s best images is geometry. Is not easy to see the geometry while you are shooting a photograph. It takes some training to start breaking apart composition into geometry. My teachers in college used this image as a clear example of the use of geometry into an image. Simplicity has a lot to do with it. If I can draw a sketch of one of my photographs in a few simple lines I feel that I have a strong composition for a workable image. I was finalist best college photographer in the US with this image, and it was all about strong geometry into the composition by using different values of light. Every time I go back to Spain, to the mountains of my youth, I stop by this church and try to remember the moment I took this picture.
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An extreme example of geometry is this image from Florence. In this image geometry is actually the subject.
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There is so much beauty all around us. I need more strength to pursue it, I need more confidence, I need more reason to steal it from Her. I need to find peace on the inexistence of purpose; I need to find peace on the lack of reason, on the lack of meaning. I just need to freeze time and create beauty, discover the soul of perfection that crowds my life today.
There is so much beauty in my life. It speaks to me but I am not listening. Speaks to me but I am blind to it. This wall of stillness that presents in front of me everyday separates me from Her message, aliens me from Her words. In the prison of my uncontrollable thoughts I can hear the whisper of Her voice but I can’t comprehend Her message. Only if I could breach the walls, if I could go through and find understanding!
There is so much beauty in our world… why can’t I be in peace with it!
Carlos
Sunset over Kaho'olawe
Kihei
Big Beach
Natures Painting
Sunset Cruise
Kihei's barrel
Sunset splash
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The images in my mind are once more becoming lies; again I feel like I live in a fake world and all the dreams I am building up will come crash down to my reality in an explosion of regret and chaos. The big monster of reality, the big evil reminder that life is not what you dream of, the voice in the back of your head that reminds you of the responsibilities the normal brings to all of us, the voice whose loud sounds quiets down the dreamer in me, the seeker of extraordinary themes.
I go back in time to the open spaces of Alaska; the place where everything made sense and I was able to hear her voice reminding me of all the amazing moments coming my way. I remember the movement of the clouds the same way I see the waves crashing with gold in the sunset light that repeats night after night. And solitude fills everything, mixes with the music of the poet and in that moment I can heard the dreamer, I can fill his energy. But I feel like giving up, stop opening doors, let my body move down the hallway most have chosen; it would be so much easier!
I heard a friend today talking about me; I was listening at what he sees in me, about my life, about my dreams. He listened to the dreamer and said he could see my path, the passion for a future filled with extraordinary images. He served as my mirror today and I needed his words to resonance loud in my mind, louder than the monster of normality, the evil of good, the enemy of extraordinary.
Will I ever be able to look in the mirror again without panicking about the eyes looking back at me, panicking about having to live with all my questions, all the mysteries that steal my sleep night after night? I am not ready, I am not ready, I must prolong my journey, I must pursue more answers by opening doors that bring me close to the edge, to the dangerous edge of total liberation from the monster. I need more strength to quiet down him and let the dreamer come afloat, come loud to the surface and fill my dreams once more. I need him to help me sleep as she once did. I need the dreamer by my side as I continue my journey.
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Once more I find perfection in Nature. The shapes, the compositions, the sounds and the smells make the perfect art, the painting of God, the reminder to all of us that there is something bigger than us, something that will last beyond all our craziness. Something that is disappearing in front of our own eyes; something is harder and harder to find in our world. Something we are destroying in the name of progress, of evolution, of mankind. I fell Her pounding the Ocean like a call to put an end to all we are doing to Her, a warning call, a final reminder to the fact that She will last, that She will endure… but will we?
Look at one of these images and use it as a reminder of the damage we are doing to our Mother, see these waves as her fury towards us and wonder what can you do to peace her.
All these images are available in regular prints and metal prints. Give this Holiday the message of Nature! Put a piece of perfect beauty in your home, in your office, so we never forget. Hawaiian Waves Collection
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I also visited Normandy; it was a real shock to transport myself to that time in history. It is surreal, is the only way I can describe it. It feels like a Halloween story, like something impossible to be true; but seeing it with your own eyes takes it to another level. Unbelievable.
Omaha beach, more than 9,000 Americans die on D Day here
Beautiful American cemetery right on the cliffs of Omaha beach
The western coast of France is really beautiful.
But what I enjoyed the most was playing around with the kids; we invented tennis balloon, with a bunch of cheap string and balloons, we had a blast.
An official tennis balloon court, soon to be an Olympic sport
Thursday I am coming back to Kansas City for a short weekend and then to Maui for a few months. Right now my wish is that I could make of Hawaii my home but is still too early to take that decision. I also would like to spend more time in Spain from now on, maybe all summers. My old dream of living between Hawaii, Alaska and Spain might be coming true.
It has been almost a year since I lost my dear Sue. The coming months are going to be a little difficult but are part of the process of healing and they are necessary. I am not afraid, they will bring closure if we are open to them and we soak all what they mean.
Carlos out.
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I challenge you to make your own; send me pictures of the final results and tell me what you think.
Enjoy!
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Valencia has a wonderful weather and we have been enjoying summer temperatures. My parents Diego and Consuelo joined us for the weekend. I have been thinking a lot about being in Spain. Of course my mother is on a very strong campaign for me to stay in Spain for good, an idea that I do not consider for now and doubt I take seriously for many years to come, but who knows.
One of the amazing places I love to visit when I come to Valencia is the Museum of the Arts and Sciences, an architectural marvel created by the Spanish architect Calatrava, an amazing futuristic vision of space, geometry and compositions. I really enjoy getting lost on the framing of images of buildings that are more sculptures than architecture. Here is an Instagram session I really enjoyed creating this weekend.
Tomorrow we fly to Paris where I am going to babysit these two little devils for a week, God have mercy on me!!!
Carlos out.
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Santos
These old folks are still very strong and healthy (other than their dental health which does not seem to bother them that much); they still carry forty pound bags of potatoes up the steep streets to their houses and up the attic. I have so much to learn from these amazing people; they absolutely adore Diego, Rosa and Isra, and the love is mutual. For the old folks in the town having a group of young smart educated energetic guys running the hostel is of great value as there are really no other services in the town other than a small bar not very well run. All other services like fresh bread, fruit, meat and fish come by small vans every other day or whenever they are close to the area. They drive around town honking their horn and the poor old folks panic, running down the street to make sure they catch them before they drive right through to the next town, pretty amazing to see this happening nowadays. It is a fact that these villages will be empty very soon unless brave young people like my brother and his friends find ways to make a living using their imagination, the internet, tourism, or whatever. It is their passion to help these soon desolated areas that has ignited my idea of bringing tourism to these amazing valleys of Spain. My two brothers and I have started a business plan to dedicate part of our time to support the development of international tourism starting next spring. I have always dreamed of doing this and soon it will become a reality.
Maria
The other interesting group of people who visit this town are the climbers. It is hard to understand for somebody who has never climb why would anybody decide to go up a rock for the pure pleasure of doing it. The area surrounding the village is full of challenging rock formations ready to be climbed. Guys like Pablo, a twenty seven year old long haired, nose and ears pierced super nice guy, who spends time in this area setting up “chapas” in the walls (metal spikes drilled and cemented to the wall) to create more challenging seemly impossible lines to climb. Spain is a world Mecca for sport climbing and the skill level of Spaniards in general is above and beyond all other countries in the world. Diego, Rosa and Isra are avid climbers and they are trying to convert the area near the hostel in another first class climbing area to seek customers for their business.
Diego climbing in Calcena
Last weekend I did my first presentation / speech on what is going to be the subject of the book I am writing. What it was going to be a group of friends and family ended on more than sixty people most unknown to me listening to my life experience in the last year of my life: my life in America, the lost of my dear Sue, the start of a new life, the trip to Alaska and back and all the deep thoughts I accumulated during my journey, all combined with a series of videos I have created from all my adventures seeking northwest. It was scary, it was difficult, it was personal, it was deep but it was beautiful and fulfilling. I have to say it was a great success and I had a lot of complements at the end; many stayed at the hostel and continued the evening asking me questions about my adventures. It helped me tremendously to realize the amazing life I have been fortunate to live in the last eighteen years of my life.
Speech at the Albergue de Calcena
Sometimes we see life go past so fast that we forget all the accomplishments and beautiful moments we are given. Since I lost Sue I have struggled building my self-steam back, especially since I left GENESYS. Being alone has been good therapy for me but also has awakened the toughest challenger I have ever met… myself. Sue was my mirror, she constantly reminded me of my value, of my accomplishments, of the person I am; with the mirror now gone I look at my new mirror, my self image, and struggle to keep my chin up and see myself with all I am capable of and all I have accomplished professionally and personally. Standing in front of a large group of strangers and sharing my experiences I have lived in the last twenty years of my life has been a great step forward on my search for answers and the search for a new path in my life. Like Pat Perry told me once, if you are not afraid of the new challenges ahead, they are probably not the right ones.
I am once more scared… life is good.
Carlos out.
]]>I am homeless, I am carless, I have simplified my life and I kind of like it. I have been in Spain for a couple of weeks now, enjoying the company of my family. I have enjoyed the beauty and solitude of the Spanish countryside. Berdejo, the small town where I have spent most of my time in Spain since I left for America in 1995 has been once again a perfect location to relax, hike, eat mom’s cooking and hang out. For many years I have been thinking about the day I would return to Berdejo without anybody waiting for me in the US, and I always thought I would spend a long period of time here writing, creating, relaxing, living… I guess the day is here now. It is a much different feeling being here in such a way; the feeling of freedom is intoxicating.
I have spent quite some time with my brother Diego and Rosa in Calcena, the small town in the skirt valleys of the Moncayo, the tallest mountain of the province of Zaragoza. They run a Hostel in this outrageously beautiful valley. I have been climbing, hiking, drinking, laughing and again living. I will spend more time with them in the future, probably all coming summer. I really love the place, it is so beautiful and there are plenty of activities to do all around the area. It has been nice just hanging out with the two of them; they are such a free spirits with such an appreciation for balancing their small business and their love for climbing and nature.
My brother Diego climbing in Calcena
The town of Calcena
Old windmill
Last couple of days I joined them to do some climbing in the Pirineos. We accepted the hospitality of my good friends Isabel, Martin and baby Fabian, old friends who live up in the mountains in a tiny village surrounded by magnificent views of the tallest peaks of the mountain range. I have felt old trying to keep up with Diego and Rosa, they are so strong and their passion for climbing is something I do not share at the level they experience it. I enjoy it; it brings great memories of my youth. It has also ignited the interest of getting myself back in shape. Now is the time!
Doing a via Ferrata in the Pirineos, scary but fun. Rosa in the background. 750 feet of elevation, almost a mile long hanging from iron bars
Spending time in Spain makes me think so much about the amazing beauty that this country holds. It is so different to anything I have seen in America. After spending four months surrounded by breathtaking landscapes all across the northwest of the US and Canada, coming to Spain and seeing such a contrast in landscapes makes me appreciate how lucky I have been, and how lucky I am. Also it has helped me decide to pursue my dream of creating a travel guide company in Spain to bring Americans to discover places off the beaten path that I feel privileged to know. Starting this coming Spring I will be organizing small group trips to the places in Spain I love with a passion, so if you are interested on experiencing places like the images below, let me know and I will start putting a trip together. It is quite simple, 1,000 euros ALL INCLUDED except the flight, nine days, small groups of ten people or less, do you want to know more? Email me through the blog or to [email protected]
Landscapes of the Moncayo
Hidden valleys of Spain
Modern windmills
Berdejo
A typical stone village in the mountains of Spain
Is this Tuscany, is this a crowded tourist trap? No, this is "Spain, off the beaten path"
I still have a few more weeks left in Spain. After that I am on my way to Maui where I will stay with my dear Kathy, Brandon and Rylee for a few months. I am so looking forward to that. Another dream come true.
Life is good… and I am not taking it for granted!
Carlos out.
]]>The month of September went fast. I went visiting Bob and Judy to Atlanta, it was not long enough but I so enjoyed their company. They seem very happy all settled down in Peachtree city, with their almost hundred miles of golf carts paths. Their house remind me so much to our house... it might have something to do with the fact that they bought most of my furniture and have more of my pictures in their walls than I have ever had in my own house. LOL!
I also went to visit sister Karen and her roommate sister Karen to Washington DC. It was my first time there and I was very impressed with all the monuments, it is a beautiful city. I definitely need at least a week next time to see everything I would like to see there. I enjoyed their company, I have to say it was my first time spending a weekend in a convent! Both of them are amazing people and our conversations were so interesting. It helps to bounce ideas to them while you are going in such a personal spiritual and existential journey.
It has been great seeing all the family and friends here in KC, but I have to say that I feel as a visitor and it is not home for me any more. I have been sleeping in a blow up mattress in an empty house, and the memories of my life with Sue are no longer there, they are all inside me, so it has not been hard being in the house. When I left Alaska I knew I was starting a new life and it is not here in Missouri. I am going to leave behind a lot of great people and the best family one could ever wish for. I am going to miss watching Miles soccer games, and Caden, Easton and Ty's football games; I am going to miss Madison's sense of humor and Kaylan's warm personality; and also Miss Emmy, the independent six year old. Of course my dear Pat, Tracey, Matt and Angela, they have been great family but best friends more than anything else.
I am going to miss very much my good friend John Svoboda, our conversations are some of the most enriching moments in my life. My good friends Cindy and Shane will also be very much missed.
My life in Kansas City has been wonderful and full of great experiences, challenges, love and family; the time here will not be forgotten and I will carry it with me for ever.
And last but not least I will miss the other angel in my life, the person who has helped me most through the whole journey, from my first days taking care of Sue, to the long sleepless darkles nights in Alaska, yes that's you, Jill Recker. Thank you for everything!
Tomorrow to Spain to hang out with my parents and brothers. It will feel a little different being there when I am homeless, carless and jobless... oh boy!!!
Carlos out!
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After 14,820 miles I am back to my starting point, Kansas City; not a single flat tire, no near misses and no missing limbs from bear attacks. What an amazing journey has been. I could have never imagined that this trip would mean so much to me; the healing is complete. I have a good understanding of how I am going to relate to my dear Sue for the rest of my life. I have this strong feeling that she is with me at all times and that brings me incredible peace and confidence.
It has not been hard to be back home. Camping inside my own empty house has been proof that I am already on my next journey and that I am in peace with last year’s events. Going back to the office to see all the great people I left behind was very rewarding as I am still very much missed and respected. But I have no doubt my new life will take me far away from the Midwest.
I am working hard on getting the first draft of my book done and I feel that the story of my life with Sue and the amazing trip I just lived are well worth telling. Hopefully I will be able to catch the attention of a good publisher or agent and who knows what that will bring.
I have had more than five thousand visitors to my blog; the most visited was “Cabin fever in the badlands” with 171 visitors. It made a big difference to know that I had so many people following my journey, it helped to never really feel alone.
My trip is over, but my journey continues. I will be going to Spain in October and moving to Hawaii for a while in November. I am happy to say that “life is really good” and that I am on my way to live an extraordinary life as I promised to my loved Sue.
I will continue this blog indefinitely, so stay tuned.
Here is some of my creations from the islands of Denman and Hornby in British Columbia, Canada. Enjoy, tell me what you think.
Carlos out.
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From left to right, Judy, Konny, Maureen, Carlos and Martha
I was immensely lucky to be invited to spend some time with my kayaking buddies in an area of British Columbia that really amazed me for its beauty and remoteness. Lakes upon lakes of perfect clear water filled with wildlife, moose, ospreys, eagles, pelicans, bears and many other species; endless forest seas, old mining towns, but most of all, friendly peaceful people living in balance with nature and enjoying the gifts it provides them on this part of the world.
My week started with a great music festival in Dunster, a small kind of homemade festival surrounded by mountains and forests. I joined my good friends Martha and Konny for a long weekend, we camped and sat on the grass and folding chairs while amazing music kept on surprising me hour by hour. Most musicians were young Canadians and Australians that spent most of the summer traveling from festival to festival, playing for almost nothing, basically for the love of their art. Musician like Olive Swain, Hanna Epperson, Shane Philip, Jaron Freeman, unknown names to me in the past and people I am keeping a close eye to now. Their talent is absolutely amazing. It made me want to start playing an instrument, it is never too late.
Oliver Swain and Jaron Freeman
Beautiful Hanna Epperson
During the week we visited my friend Maureen's lake cabin that she remodeled herself, amazing place. We went kayaking and saw a mama moose with a baby eating in the water, of course no camera with me. I also visited the town of Bakersville with my friend Konny, an old mining town that has been restored and kept as it was in the beginning of the century. And the last weekend I was invited to a very special party in another amazing place. It is called Bob Inn, originally a commune made by a group of Americans that frustrated with the political issues during the Vietnam era left the US and started a peaceful self sufficient life in the mountains of Canada. It was their 40th anniversary from the foundation of the commune; a real special group of people that made me feel like family for the first step into their grounds.
Maureen's Cabin
A couple of pelicans enjoy the peaceful morning at the lake
Nice view from the cabin, eh?
Bob Inn
Who can guess what the theme for the party was?
I got to know these wonderful women and I really hope we will be friends for life. I loved my time talking about life with Konny and her husband Joel, beautiful people. I have never met somebody who has traveled as much as Maureen, she has been everywhere, a real brave true traveler. I especially enjoyed my time with Martha Waldon, a real special sweet lady with an amazing list of life experiences that I have only started to learn about. And as I got to know then I got to know all the people they are connected to and they kept on amazing me, wonderful people. People like Martha’s husband Jim, an amazing artist, musician, listener, thinker, full of life and curiosity. I so enjoyed listening to his music at Bob Inn. As a traveler to be invited to that weekend was a dream come true.
Jim's poetry
Life is good and I just got started
]]>I broke the movie in three parts, all together is thirty minutes long total, I hope they tell the story.
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This is not wasted time, this is not letting time go by without purpose; it is the opposite. I have stopped time as I search inside me, as I look in the mirror, as I decipher the mystery, as I find peace with who I am. I look inside and the feelings are so truthful, they are so pure, they are so real. The music of my life bounces around me in harmony with my surroundings, and I like what I see, I like where I am going. Is a strange emotion to know your path is the correct one when you cannot see the end of it, when you have no idea of where is taking you. The fear of the mystery ahead energizes my journey; it powers my imagination and slows down the ticking of the clock.
The roaring river taught me about the speed at what life moves around us. The wild unstoppable river that carries the memories of frozen glaciers, that carries life to all the valleys down, the killer river, the living river. Like life we see them go, never still, always with a purpose, always with a defined path, with an unavoidable ending. We observe them and bring peace to our soul, the same peace I might find one day when I look at my life the same way I looked at that river up in the mountains of Alaska. I walked its frozen birth; I observed its perfect delivery from blue ice; and with a sound of continuous softness I looked at its first few steps, his first few turns towards the ocean, the end, the final destination, the endless cycle of water, the endless cycle of life, the mystery that my journey is trying to solve.
And I want to believe that she found the same ocean, the same destination, a pure blue ocean full of life, full of miracles. I walked the path with her; I went down the valleys with her, fast, furious, passionately, discovering beauty in every turn until we finally found the ocean together. And I let her go into the endless horizon, the endless blue horizon, and the end of the day took her. I have explored your birth in the mountains and I will follow you to the ocean to close our journey together once more, the last journey together I have lived for the last four months.
The images, the memories, the sounds of my journey will always be bound to us, as they got me closer to her, to you, than I ever thought possible. Your image is now dissolved with all the special moments I have lived within a shared solitude. It has been your gift to me; it has been your way of taking care of me while I heal from the pain of losing you. I found the path of recovery by listening to you deep inside and now that I am no longer going northwest, now that I am returning to my beginning, I can feel your presence in my life better than ever.
I can’t think anymore in all the time we could have had together, all the secrets we could have discovered if the sunset would not have taken you with her. I only think on the new beginnings I will be discovering with you in my heart, with you engraved in my soul. And I will know that you will watch for me deep inside, that you will be the river that clears the path ahead until I also reach one day the ending ocean of our lives. You gave me the gift of a new life, you went in silence, you left me confused with the meaning of a sudden ending, but now I know the real gift you presented to me on that November evening, a treasure that cannot be found anywhere else but in true love, a treasure it took me a while to discover.
Now I carry that great responsibility of the gift given with fear and focus; I look ahead and the normal is a path I can no longer take, only the extraordinary is the way of fulfill the promise of never waste such a treasured gift. But I still have a lot to learn in order to find the right door that will open a direct route to a life worth of you. The wheels are turning constantly now and I run down the hallway seeing the doors fly by my sides, it is difficult to stop now, too many choices, too many options. I am slowing down now, I am looking ahead and the more I learn the more I can read what’s behind each door. As I open one door it walks me into another corridor of many more choices, but I am still moving, I am still rolling, I am alive, I am getting closer with every turn, with every door, with every new hallway of life.
]]>I am learning to be in peace with whom I am and where I am in my life. I am learning to find my limitations and accept them instead of constantly feel bad about how much farther I could get if I push myself beyond my comfort zone. I am still learning to forget; I am still learning to control my feelings; I am still learning to feel confident with who I am and how it relates to all people surrounding me. I am still learning to finish things; I am still learning to live in the moment and less in the future.
I am wrong! The journey has not taught me any of that; I had all that inside me. The journey has cleared my mind, it has translated the thoughts I carried through the years, all the wisdom life has piled in my head that I could not see clearly. All the conversations, experiences, readings, knowledge have reorganized in my head and in my heart so it can be understood. Thinking in solitude, the mind surrounded by nature, the sound of the wind, the sound of the river, the cold air in my face, the legs burning from the long hikes, the skin burning under the sun, all that was my therapy, all that built my route to understanding and eventually to real healing.
I feel like in order to heal the wounds of my lost I needed to reach inside; I needed to get deep to apply the prescribed medicine in order to really heal. The routine of my life three months ago did not allow me to reach close enough. It wasn’t until I cleared my path from the fast pace life that it was my normal, that I started seeing the effects of the healing power of my thoughts in solitude. It wasn’t until then that I could talk to her, that I could understand the lost; that I could understand that it was OK, that losing her was as much part of life as creating it, a critical priceless part of life. Now that I feel in peace I know she is also in peace, and she will let me free to follow my path, and she will be free to dissolve with all the wonders on this world so she can be found by all of us in the special moments of our lives.
I am not ready. I still have a lot to learn, I still have a lot to build before I start a new life. I keep recognizing the learning power of experiences and I see more clearly that I am not ready. Now that life has slowed down, now that the rhythm of my everyday has found some more sanity, I recognize that there is still a lot more to experience. The wheels are moving, the options are opening, the opportunities are taken but I still need to learn more about life, about myself. I still have not found meaning to everything that surrounds me and I will let my compass free to get me closer to experiences I have not been exposed to yet.
I have met many people on the road but still not enough. I need to discover more knowledge through new people. I also need to listen to those I thought wrong in the past. I still need to dig inside a little deeper. I feel like I just started.
The healing process is going very well. I do not believe it has been time that has really made this process successful. I really believe solitude and the decision to bring the pain to the surface during my long hours of driving have been the real medicine. My long conversations with Sue in my mind, the letters I wrote to her along the way, sharing my feelings with the world outside, all those have been steps towards my recovery. I do not believe that would have worked for just anybody. I do believe the route I chose would have been very dangerous for most people, but not for me. Solitude has been a great friend; it has increased my confidence, it has taught me to think better, to express myself within more clearly. It has helped to connect better with her. I do feel now that she is with me all the time, that she is part of me forever.
I feel I am in limbo; I pretend to stay in limbo until I can feel comfortable with the answers to the questions that repeat in my mind every day. I am not sure if I will ever find answers to the questions we all carry inside that make us a little dizzy, a little lost, questions many find answers through faith and love. I understood love; I experienced unconditional love. I know I am capable of it, and I know it can fill a lot of gaps in your life. I will explore the world finding answers to all the questions we tend to ignore once we find love. Maybe I will find love and that will be my answer and all will settle down in peace.
The moments I have lived in the last three months have found more questions than answers, but they have given me direction, they have given me a better compass in life. Focusing in life has helped me focus in grief. There was a clear line that separates those two different beasts, and I have managed to tame them both. Unfortunately it has also created clarity about all the issues I carried with me well before the lost of my wife. I believed grief is like a critical injury; if you have a healthy body and soul you can overcome it easier but if you have an unhealthy life, a life that carries too many questions, too many lies, too much confusion, then the recovery requires to go farther than just grief; and grief will use your sickness to dig a deeper hole in your life.
]]>Estoy aprendiendo a estar en paz con quién soy y donde estoy en mi vida. Estoy aprendiendo a encontrar mis limitaciones y aceptarlas en vez de siempre sentirme mal por no llegar un poco más lejos. Aun estoy aprendiendo a olvidar; aun estoy aprendiendo a controlar mis sentimientos; aun estoy aprendiendo a sentir confianza con quién soy y como me ven todos los que me rodean. Aun estoy aprendiendo a acabar lo empezado; aun estoy aprendiendo a vivir en el momento y menos en el futuro.
¡Estoy equivocado! El viaje no me ha enseñado nada de todo esto; lo tenía todo dentro de mí. El viaje me ha aclarado la mente, me ha traducido los pensamientos que llevaba dentro desde hace muchos años, todos los conocimientos que la vida me ha acumulado en mi cabeza y que no podía ver claramente. Todas las conversaciones, experiencias, libros, conocimientos se han reorganizado en mi cabeza y en mi corazón para que pudieran ser entendidos. Pensado en soledad, la mente rodeada por la naturaleza, el sonido del viento, en ruido del rio, el aire fresco en mi cara, las piernas doloridas por las largas andadas, la piel quemada bajo el sol, todo esto ha sido mi terapia, todo esto ha creado mi camino para comprender y finalmente mi cura.
Siento que para que realmente pudiera curar mis heridas necesitaba mirar hacia dentro; necesitaba ir hacia mi interior y aplicar la medicina para realmente empezar mi recuperación. La rutina de mi vida hace tres meses no me permitió llegar lo suficientemente profundo. No fue hasta que cambie lo que llamaba una vida normal y empecé a sentir los efectos de mis pensamientos en soledad que el verdadero proceso de curación empezó. No fue hasta entonces que pude hablar con ella, que pude entender la perdida, que pude entender que todo lo que me ha pasado es parte de la vida, que es una parte tan importante como nacer. Ahora que me siento en paz se que ella también está en paz y que me dejará libre para seguir mi ruta, y ella estará libre para disolverse en todas las maravillas que hay en este mundo para poder estar con todos nosotros en todos los momentos especiales que la vida nos va a traer.
Aun no estoy preparado. Aun tengo mucho que aprender, aun tengo mucho por construir antes de empezar una nueva vida. Sigo viendo todo lo que podemos aprender de experiencias en nuestra vida y veo más claramente que no estoy preparado. Ahora que la vida pasa más lenta, ahora que el ritmo de mi vida es más sano, reconozco que aun me queda mucho por aprender y vivir. Las ruedas están en movimiento, las opciones, las oportunidades están ahí, para mí y las estoy cogiendo, pero aun tengo mucho que aprender acerca de la vida en sí. Aun no he encontrado sentido a todo lo que me rodea y dejaré que mi brújula este libre para llevarme un poco más cerca a experiencias que aun no he vivido.
He conocido a mucha gente en la carretera pero no es suficiente. Necesito descubrir más conocimientos a través de nueva gente. Necesito escuchar a esos que pensé que estaban confundidos en el pasado. Aun necesito escavar un poco más profundo en mí mismo. Siento que solo acabo de empezar.
El proceso de recuperación va viento en popa. No siento que el tiempo ha sido el verdadero centro de mi cura. Creo que la soledad y la decisión de llevar el dolor a la superficie en mis largas horas de coche han sido la verdadera medicina. Mis largas conversaciones con Sue en mi mente, las cartas que le escribo, compartir mis sentimientos con el mundo, todos esos han sido pasos para mi recuperación. Esto no habría funcionado con cualquier persona. Yo creo que la ruta que decidí para superar mi perdida puede ser muy peligrosa para muchos, pero no para mí. La soledad ha sido una buena amiga; me ha aumentado mi confianza, me ha ayudado a pensar y expresarme más claramente. Me ha ayudado a conectar con ella mucho mejor, ahora siento que Sue está conmigo siempre, que es parte de mi para siempre.
Me encuentro en limbo, y pretendo quedarme en limbo hasta que me encuentre cómodo con las respuestas a las preguntas que se repiten en mi mente cada día. Entiendo el significado del amor, he vivido el amor incondicional, sé que soy capaz de eso, y sé que el amor llena muchas grietas en tu vida que te ayudan a encontrar sentido a la vida. Pero necesito explorar todas esas grietas e intentar encontrar respuestas más allá del amor. Quizás cuando encuentre amor de nuevo veré que esa es la respuesta que estaba buscando.
Los momentos que he vivido en los últimos tres meses me han creado más preguntas que respuestas, pero me han dado dirección, me han dado una mejor brújula para mi vida. Concentrándome en la vida en sí me ha ayudado a entender el duelo, el dolor, la perdida. Hay una línea clara que separa esas dos bestias, y he conseguido domesticar las dos. Pero por desgracia o por fortuna, he descubierto los problemas que existían en mi vida mucho antes de perder a mi mujer. He aprendido que el duelo es como una herida grave; si tienes un cuerpo y un alma sana puedes superar el trauma, pero si tienes una vida insana, una vida que trae demasiadas preguntas sin respuestas, demasiadas mentiras, demasiada confusión, entonces la recuperación te obliga a ir mas allá del duelo y el dolor; y el duelo usará tu enfermedad para cavar un hoyo más profundo en tu vida.
]]>I arrived to Stewart BC, Canada this morning and continue towards the town of Hyder which is actually in Alaska (google the location and you will understand). In one single day I have seen a total of seven bears, six of them while I was driving and one from an observation deck in Hyder. This place is pretty amazing, if you want to get an idea rent the movie Insomnia, it was filmed here (with Al Pacino and Robert Williams)
The salmon in running in all the rivers so the bears are just feasting on fish.
Here are some images.
He llegado a Stewart en British Columbia Canada esta mañana. Hoy he visto un total de siete osos, seis por la carretera y uno desde un observatorio al lado del rio. Los ríos están llenos de salmon y los osos se están poniendo morados!!! Si quereis tener una idea de donde estoy alquilaros la película Insomnia con Al Pacino y Robert Williams, la filmaron aquí.
A lot has happened since my last post. I sold the trailer to my good friend Alan, the guide on the kayaking trip. I spent a couple of days parked at his house while I figured out how the hell I was going to put everything from the trailer in my car. Believe it or not everything fit.
No more trailer, just my dear car, my mountain bike and I
I actually enjoyed my time in Anchorage, I met some interesting people like Mark Lawrence and his Russian friend from New York. I also did some amazing mountain biking right in Anchorage, the best trails I have ever done, they were incredible; thanks Alan and Beth for guiding me or I would have got lost five minutes into it.
I left Anchorage on Friday and drove to South Central Alaska, to the town of Haines; not much there, kind of trashy. I took the Ferry from Haines to Skagway, which was a lot nicer town. A lot of cruise ships land there so it is a pretty active town, I would say half of all the stores down town were jewelry stores, what is the deal with that? I guess people who take cruises like to buy jewelry, eh?
Sunrise In Glennallen, AK
I have been staying at motels and campgrounds, I got a tent in REI. Rooms are very expensive even for real dumps but at least I am saving a lot in gas mileage. I do miss my trailer but I am not sorry I sold it in Alaska, it made sense.
I will be driving the Cassiar route back through British Columbia. I am planning on spending a week with my new Canadian friends in BC and then another week with Steve, Basia and Stephan in Denman Island, near Vancouver island. Then I will make my way to Seattle for a couple of days. Then visit a couple of new friends in Montana, do some mountain biking in Colorado and then KC for a couple of weeks. I am spending October and part of November in Spain. Then moving to Maui for a while, but I already have plans for New Zealand, Australia, French Polynesia and Nepal, a lot of places still to see and experience, I have not even got started!
This is the scenery I am driving by all day long
I have loved my time in Alaska. I feel like it was a recon summer trip for future plan. A constant from most people who have lived there for a while: "you must come in the winter". They said March and April are amazing months for skiing. I am not ready to plant any roots anywhere for a while. Alaska was perfect for me and there is no question I will be coming back again and again through my life until it is the right time to stay.
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Recuerdos de ella volvieron a mi mente durante estos dias; ella ha estado conmigo toda la semana. Me ha estado mirando, sonriendo, contenta por mi como siempre. Pero esta vez ha sido distinto. Los momentos que he vivido has sido demasiado perfectos para que fueran pura coincidencia.
Ponia mis manos en el agua casi congelada para refrescarme mientras prestaba atención a la belleza inimaginable que me rodeaba. Desde el kayak todas las montañas, los glaciares y el mar parecían mas cerca de lo normal. Sentia como si todos esos momentos eran solo para mi, no hay necesidad de fotogrfiarlos, que esos cinco días eran un regalo de Sue. Hay momentos en esos días que nunca serán olvidados, que siempre estarán conmigo, como su amor, como sus recuerdos. Tengo este sensación de que esos cinco días fueron el momento en el que he descubierto que estoy ya de camino a estar curado de todo el dolor que he sufrido.
Cuando llegamos al lago lleno de glaciares, en silencio la vi sonreír. Ahora entiendo cómo se sentía cuando le escribía cartas de amor. Esta semana han sido sus cartas de amor. La niebla de la mañana, el cielo azul, los delfines que nos recibieron, el oso que vimos en la playa, todos esos momentos increíbles, todos fueron cartas de amor de Sue para mi, fueron su forma de celebrar el final de una etapa tan triste y dura en mi vida.
Estos ultimos dias han sido la perfecta forma de cerrar una etapa de mi vida. De aquí en adelante las oportunidades que se me presentan son incontables. Tengo toda la vida por delante, toda una vida de posibilidades. He aprendido a decelerar mi vida y disfrutar de todos estos momentos. Espero que haya aprendido la lección para siempre.
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There are still places left in our world where you can find treasures beyond your imagination; places that bring moments that you never thought possible. There are still places in our world that bring meaning to all the craziness we surround our lives with. In my journey for meaning I pointed northwest, I pointed my compass towards Alaska, but I never thought I would witness nature in such an amazing format, in such an amazing purity. Alaska was and always will be a dream, but now it is one engraved in my memory. The five days we shared together in the Kenai Fiords will not go undervalued, will not disappear from our minds for quite a while, and the friendships that got reinforced and created during these five days will remain as a precious life’s gift.
Strong memories of her came to my mind; she has been with me for the last week. She has been looking down, smiling, being happy for me as she always was. But this time was different. The moments I lived felt too perfect to be just coincidence, to be just random.
I would put my hands in the freezing water to cool me down and I would pay attention at the unimaginable beauty that I was surrounded by. From the kayak all the mountains, glaciers and the ocean seemed so overwhelming. I felt like those moments were for me, that there was no need to photograph, that those five days were Sue’s gift to me, a gift of healing. There were scenes in front my eyes that will never be forgotten and they will always be with me, like her love, like her memories. I truly believe she gave that to me; I have this strong feeling that those five days were her way to tell me it is time to make a big turn in my life and that the healing process is in its last stages.
When we reached the glacier lagoon, in perfect silence and stillness, I saw her smiling. Now I know how she felt when I made her a nice card or a short movie or wrote a love letter for the day after Valentine’s. She wrote love letters to me this week. The morning mist, the bright sunny days, the dolphins welcoming us to the fiords, the black bear climbing the rocky shore, all those incredible moments, all were her love letters to me, her goodbye to this difficult stage of my life I am finally leaving behind.
This last five days felt like closure, felt like a confirmation that all I have experienced and done in the last three months were a necessary period in my life and also a learning time to shape the rest of my life. Today I am overwhelmed by all the opportunities in front of me, all the options to experience for the time I have left. I have slowed down my life; everything seems in slow motion, allowing me to savor all the great moments I have been experiencing during my trip. What if you could live your life feeling the same way all the time? I remember how quickly life would go by me in the last few years. I am going to try not to allow that again, I am going to make every year count.
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I arrived to Hope Alaska a couple of days ago. I am finally by the ocean and I left behind the interior of Alaska. I can see a big difference already on the atmosphere and the culture. I think I had spent too much time in the mountains, in the deep valleys of central Alaska. I could feel a little bit of desperation from the surroundings, lots of businesses empty, closed or for sale. I can see how a little bump on the economy can affect so much areas of this country that hang precariously on the success of a very sort season.
I stayed at Hart D Ranch in the Nabesna Road for five days, inside the Wrangler Saint Elias National park. There I met the owner a nice lady on her seventies. She runs the campground all by herself as all her help had already passed. I could see the desperation on her eyes trying to get away from all that after spending a whole life living in Alaska. The business is for sale, everything was for sale, hoping to be able to move to Arizona and spend her last years working on her beautiful bronze sculptures. I saw a lot of that all around the interior. Now in the south central the energy has changed; a lot of younger, adventurous, happy, proud people.
The town of Hope is a little tiny coastal village with some old buildings but with a lot of positive energy. The Seaview Café and bar opens everyday of the week and there is live music almost every night. The locals gather there and tell their fishing stories while drinking an Alaskan brew; they seem so happy and friendly. I meet a young traveling musician’s couple that improvised a guitar and violin jam season one evening; they were from Fairbanks. I loved their passion and energy, I enjoyed them very much. We talked and shared our experiences and thoughts until very late that night. I so connect with people like that. I have not found that many people like this in campgrounds and rv parks.
One of the guys that frequents the bar is this tall rough looking, white haired, dirty shirt, dirty mouth guy who everybody seems to know and to like very much. I found out a few beers later that he is actually a lawyer from New York and that he runs a foundation that brings troubled kids from Brooklyn, New Jersey, New York area in general for the summer to Hope to experience a world they could never understand from a difficult life in the city. Funny, he brings troubled kids to Hope! I hope they find it.
It is a little difficult to have found yourself in the person you were fifteen years ago. I am no longer twenty five, I am in my early forties, but I feel the same as I was then. I feel so much closer to the young adventurer than to the corporate overachiever. I want to follow the path of freedom and creativity; I want to see how far I can go on this crazy adventure/journey I started more than two months ago.
Yesterday I walked to the ocean during low tide, and while listening to Jose Gonzalez I sit and wrote to Sue. It was a perfect moment. The seagulls showing off with their acrobatics, the seals popping their heads out of the water, and the wind brought me the smell of the salty water and cooled the powerful sun of the perfectly clean Alaska sky. It was perfect! And it made me so sad that I could not share that moment with her, it was so incomplete without her. But the frustration came with understanding, the acceptance of my life today and all it means. I cried but it felt good; the pain I felt connected me with her and it healed me inside. I cried out of frustration, happiness and hope all at the same time. I cried because I knew that moment was incomparable to any other moment, it was new moment, it was a new memory of my journey and the path to my new life. It reinforced the fact that a new stage of my life had started, on my own, passed her memories, new ones in place.
That evening I went back to the ocean; it was quiet, no wind; the mist was coming back to the bay from the ocean. Only the seagulls were there with me, and suddenly out of nowhere a large bald eagle crashed into the ocean and picked a large fish out of the water. It flew only a few feet above my head and flew back into the woods. There was nobody around me to share; there is nobody who witnessed the same amazing moment, only her.
Tomorrow I drive to Seward Alaska where I meet the group I will be doing sea kayaking with for a week. I can't wait.
Carlos out from Hope Alaska.
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A través de la puerta de la caravana puedo ver el rio bravo bajando de los glaciares, con bloques de hielo flotando con la corriente. A través de mi ventana veo una pared de hielo, brillando con el sol de la mañana. I me siento en mi casa con ruedas y disfruto de este momento. ¿Cuántas noches de insomnio he soñado con esto? ¿Cuántos días de estrés en mi vida ha soñado con dejarlo todo y encontrar un sitio como este? Al final de la carretera, al lado del rio, me planto por unos cuantos días y los dioses me dan un tiempo perfecto para explorar este sitio único en el mundo. He llegado al final de la carretera de McCarthy en el parque nacional de Wrangler Saint Elias.
Fue Sue quien descubrió este sitio en nuestro primer viaje a Alaska en 1997. Fue en este sitio en el que nos enamoramos, donde descubrimos que nuestras vidas estarían entrelazadas para siempre. I ha sido este sitio donde he dejado sus cenizas para la eternidad. Hay un pequeño lago al lado de la carretera en el que en un día claro las montañas nevadas se reflejan en las aguas cristalinas del lago. Ahí es donde quiero que su memoria se quede. A ella le encantaba el agua y a mí me encantan las montañas, asi que estaremos juntos para siempre en momentos como este.
Mi fotografía favorita de Sue es en este sitio, en el Kennicott Lodge, en la barandilla, leyendo un libro con la luz de la tarde, con los glaciares en el fondo. Ella pensó que nunca viviría momentos como ese. Ella nunca soñó de encontrarme y me alegro de que lo hiciera. Vivimos una vida muy buena juntos, hicimos tantísimas cosas y todo empezó aquí en nuestro primer viaje a Alaska.
Andamos en estos glaciares dieciséis años atrás. Hoy hare lo mismo. Es muy difícil no echarla tanto de menos cuando hay tantas memorias de ella en este sitio. Ella está contenta por mi hoy. Seguro que ha sido ella la que ha convencido a alguien allí arriba de darme tan buen tiempo, de echar a los mosquitos y de darme una brisa que corre con el rio, de proveer otro día perfecto en Alaska.
Through my front door I can see the roaring river coming down from the glaciers, blocks of ice floating in the current. Through my window I see a mountain size wall of ice, shining with the morning sun. And I sit in my temporary home and try to reflect on this amazing moment. How many sleepless nights have I dreamed of this? How many stressful days in my life have I dreamed with leaving it all and find a place like this? At the end of the road, by the river, I set my home for a few days and the gods give me a perfect weather day to explore this unique place in the world. I have arrived to the end of the McCarthy Road in Wrangler Saint Elias National Park.
It was Sue who discovered this place planning our first trip to Alaska in 1997. It was this place where we fell in love, where we discovered that our lives will be bound for ever. And it is this place where I spread her ashes for eternity. There is a small lake by the side of the road on the way to McCarthy where on a clear day you can see the snowed peaks look at you from above. The crystal clear waters reflect the perfect white of the peaks and bind together on another one of those perfect moments. There it is where I want her memories to stay; she loved water and I loved mountains, and we will be together again in moments like that one.
They said last year they have four days of sunny weather all summer long, and here I am in my second day in McCarthy and there is not a cloud in the sky. I start to believe some kind of celestial intervention here because it is just too much luck. Sue knew this would be the place. My favorite picture of her is in the Kennicot Lodge, in the deck, reading a book with the sunset light, with the glaciers in the background. She thought she would never experience moments like that one. She never dreamed of finding me when she did, and I am so glad she did. We lived a good life together, we did so many amazing things together, and all really started here in our first trip to Alaska.
We hiked the glaciers on a clear sky day like this one sixteen years ago. I will do the same today. It is so hard for me to be here and not miss her terribly. It is hard for me to be here and not feel her so close to me, so close that hurts. She is happy for me today; I am sure she convinced somebody up there to give me some good weather, to take the mosquitoes away, to provide a nice breeze along the river, to provide another perfect day in Alaska.
I am trying so hard to live in the moment but my mind always keeps wondering into the future. Images of all my plans ahead keep coming to my mind every night and make the present almost unimportant. I can’t accept that. I am living my dream, I am here in paradise, in the most beautiful place I have found in all my travels and my mind can only think on the next steps. I am realizing that unless I am sharing a moment with somebody it loses at lot of its meaning. The last two months I have spent in solitude have helped me understand who I am and it has helped me gain confidence on being by myself, but it has also taught me that being alone handicaps my ability to be happy. Sharing my life with somebody takes it to a higher level, it reinforces my thoughts, it increases the value of the experience itself. I am here in Alaska experiencing something very few have the opportunity to experience and visions of the future planning my next trip back here keep showing in my mind; but this time I am not alone anymore, this time I will be sharing all I have learned with somebody. I guess I am lonely, for first time in my trip I feel lonely, maybe because this place has such strong memory of her.
I hiked the glacier one more time, by myself this time. I loaded my backpack with all my gear, rented some crampons, and mountain biked all the way to the glacier. It was a great day. How many times you get to bike twelve miles and hiked a glacier for a couple of hours on the same day? It was a great feeling to push through a hard day of physical exercise and see the amazing beauty of the Kennecott glacier up close and personal. In the background you could see the third largest glacier ice wall in the world. There are no trails in a glacier, there are not footsteps to follow or trail markers. I follow different groups of people until I felt comfortable enough. Then I just wondered up and down the ice hills that make the glacier. I explored the rivers carved into the ice, waterfalls of smooth perfection, blue ponds, a whole world made of ice. It is hard to really comprehend the dimensions of such a large glacier and it was easy to lose notion of your location as everything looked the same. I panic on my way back for just a little as a maze of rivers seemed to block my way. I took a deep breath and walked back to higher point where I could find a visual reference. Soon I picked a direction that took me to the entrance to the glacier. What an amazing place. I changed my clothes, loaded my boots and crampons in the backpack and biked down the trail to Kennecott mine and followed the six mile road back to camp. I felt great, I felt happy, I felt confident.
I warmed up what I had left of the ravioli and sit by the river looking at the ice wall, with a cold “dos equis” in my hand. I was in the moment; I was there, nowhere else. There is a wonderful soft wind that comes down the mountain with the river; there are no mosquitoes, and the sound of the river is a beautiful white noise that fills everything. It was almost the perfect place. A nice guy from Anchorage stop by to say hi: “where from Missouri?” He was from Anchorage and lived there for most of his life. It was his first time in McCarthy. He and his wife also took a break at the middle of their lives to travel and disconnect from the normal life a little. It made think a lot. That is exactly what I am doing; taking a break from normal life, but maybe I like this too much, maybe there will not be a normal life anymore. Why not?
My original thoughts of finding a way to make a living in Alaska have dissipated and now only experience the freedom of my journey is keeping my attention. I have no immediate desire to create strong roots anywhere for a while. I know now that roots are only holding you to be close to somebody, alone by myself roots are unnecessary. I am experiencing these amazing locations, I am engraving in my memory these amazing moments I am living. I am chipping away the shape of an amazing life, and that is all I care about.
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He pasado cuatro días en la Denali Highway, una carretera de tierra que cruza el corazón de Alaska. He disfrutado de la belleza salvaje de esa zona y sobre todo de las increíbles vistas. Esta es mi tercera vez en la Denali highway y por primera vez he podido tomármelo con calma y descifrar su belleza. Pero más que nada me he enamorado de nuevo de los cielos de Alaska.
Enjoy
Carlos
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July 3rd 2013
Happy Fourth of July, from Alaska
I have not made it very far into the interior of Alaska. I came across a section of Wrangler Saint Elias national park I had never seen before so I decided to check it out. The Nabesna road starts off of highway 1 at the town of Slana near the Copper River; not much of a town but it has a national park ranger station and an RV park where I am staying for now. There is no cell coverage but they do have a little bit of internet connection which comes handy to keep in touch with the World.
The "Chuck Mobile" is taking me everywhere, good friend!
The road goes 46 miles into the National Park, first ten miles are paved, the rest is dirt, with multiple river crossings and there are no services what so ever; it is not like other national parks, here is just a road and there are no bridges to cross the rivers so it has been fun getting my car wet. Of course no Japanese here… no anything here. I have been driving the road everyday taking time observing how the landscape changes through the day or with the weather. It is being an interesting experience to stay put in such a small area.
One of the many lakes along the road, I call this one "the lake about half a mile past the only one toilet in the road"
The mosquitoes are horrible, so the idea of hiking in the bush is pretty much out of the question, but I found a trail that actually goes up into the hill sides pretty quickly so you only have to put up with the bugs for a mile or so, that is tomorrow. My forehead is covered with mosquito bites, it took a couple of minutes standing outside my car in front of my tripod to figure out that I needed protection, so bandana, hat and mosquito net is a requirement if you want to take your time taking pictures in this area.
I have not come across a lot of wildlife so far, a young moose today, but that is it
At the end of the road there is an abandoned gold mine that is a total chemical disaster. I drove all the way to it yesterday. Alaskans do not really care too much about rules and road signs, the “Road Closed” sign does not apply to them, so I follow their advice and kept on going on the road to the mine.
The abandoned gold mine, a total chemical disaster nobody is taking on to clean up
I love the Alaska's skies
Today I took a small two seat plane to check out the glaciers from above. You really do not comprehend the dimensions of Alaska until you get above the mountains. The pictures will give you an idea but still cannot get you close to the amazing feeling of flying above the glaciers and close to the ice covered mountains.
The Nabesna Glacier, third largest glacier in North America
"Hulk" our plane
Today is day three at the Nabesna road, tomorrow July 4th I am moving in to mile twenty to a free campground with no services. I will celebrate our country’s birthday there.
Life is Good! Carlos out
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Exactly at noon today I crossed the border into the United States and made it to Alaska. Since my first trip to Alaska, since my first trip with Sue, since the trip when I knew I will be with her for the rest of my life, I have dreamed of leaving Kansas City seeking northwest direction Alaska. Today my dream has come true. I never thought this journey to the 49th state would have such a special meaning for me. Today I feel renewed, I feel reenergized, I feel ready for whatever the rest of my life brings me.
It was a beautiful drive today, it was unbelievable. Turn after turn in the road the landscape surprised me with another perfect view of the wild. I was so eager to cross the border that I had to force myself to stop once and in a while and enjoy the breathtaking landscape.
It was a long day, but it was a day I will never ever forget. It had such a special meaning, it brought me closure. But it also was a hard hard drive. The road was very bad and sometimes I thought I was going to break in a million pieces. I was so proud of my car and trailer for surviving the beating.
Now I am in Tok and tomorrow I will be driving to McCarthy where I will probably spend a week and celebrate the 4th of July there, they say it gets really busy that week; it will be good for me to socialize a little. I better stock a serious amount of beer!
From this day on I will not have cell phone or internet connection for a while, at least four or five days. I am going into the wild!!! Happy Fourth of July to all!!!
Carlos out!
]]>Dear blog followers,
I am almost to Alaska! I have been driving the most beautiful road I have ever seen, but it is a long one. I have been many hours behind the wheel through these incredible valleys full of wildlife. I finally have cell phone coverage and a decent internet connection to give you a quick update. I have lost track of bear’s encounters by now. Many black bears on the side the roads, big horn sheep, moose, caribou, etc. Beautiful lakes were followed by black water roaring rivers and large mountains. But by far the most impressive part of the road is the remoteness of it and the great distances between towns and gas stations. By now I think my car does not need gas to run because I have gone to the farther limits of the gas needle and still ran long enough to make it to the next gas station. You only need to come across an unplanned closed gas station and you better start praying for a celestial intervention on the Xterra gas consumption, I have got very lucky a couple of times.
I met another interesting individual on the road, a Check Nineteen year old mushroom picker… yeap, a young kid hitchhiking across Canada making some money picking morels mushrooms in the mosquito infested burnt forests of Canada, more to come on this subject, pretty interesting.
Tomorrow I plan to make it to Tok, Alaska, and the day after to Wrangler Saint Elias National Park, to the town of McCarthy. Once I get that deep into Alaska there will be no chance to get cell or internet so it might be a while before you hear from me. I am way behind on my video and images but I will get caught up after McCarthy; probably will spend a few days near civilization before my next adventure, a five day sea kayak trip in the Kenai Fiords at the end of July.
All is good, very excited to be so close to Alaska.
Carlos
]]>I left Calgary this morning and I am making a more direct route to Alaska. Maybe I will be there by the end of the week.
Thanks for following.
Carlos
]]>It has been a little over seven months since my life crashed and my whole world was sent into a whirlpool of new experiences hard to comprehend and manage; but today I feel redirected, I feel moving forward in my life and in my spirit. I can find sense to the steps I take every day. I also feel more connected with all the people who matter in my world and those who matter that are no longer in this world.
Today is the second year anniversary of my summit to Mount Kilimanjaro, by far one of the most powerful fulfilling experiences of my life. I climbed that mountain thousands of miles away from her, but she was with me all the way. Last week I came across a diary she gave me a couple of days before my departure for Africa. She wrote a note for everyday of the trip, she was anticipating every day of the hike giving me her support and telling me she was there with me, and she was. She was there with me when I arrived at the summit with Steve, Tammy, Denise, Joe and all the great African support guys. I feel so much the same way about her in this trip, I feel so much closer to her than I have felt in a long time.
I find moments during my long drives, during my hikes, during my rainy days inside my little trailer when I feel her looking at me, giving me support and advice on the new live I am building up day by day for the last month. May 28th was going to be our 14th year wedding anniversary. I was driving out of Jackson Hole Wyoming on my way south towards Utah. I had my GoPro video camera set in my dashboard. I was recording myself remembering all the great years we had together, the great marriage we achieved for such an odd couple like us. It was very enriching for me to recognize something we created through love, respect and basic appreciation of each other and who we were. When I was done talking, I put down the camera on the right seat and went back to focus on the mountain roads I was driving. Right at that moment a bold eagle flew by my window for what it seem a long time. I cried but it was a good cry, there were tears full of life, full of hope, full of closure. They were the same tears I offered her on the summit of Kilimanjaro two years ago.
Here is the video of me talking about our marriage, it is quite personal, touching and long. Watch it if you wish but it is just me reflecting on my years with Sue. It is a good healing process.
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A few more images that are worth sharing.
Morning Reflections
Going to the Sun
Goose Island
Lakes and Glaciers
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Another short movie on my hikes on Brooks Lake and Jade Lake
June 18th, 2013
I have spent four days in Glacier National Park, Montana. I decided to stay at the East side of the National Park. I have visited the West side a couple of times and I had never stayed on the East. I was very happy about my decision. It was breathtaking. Both sides of the park are joined by the "Going to the Sun" highway, which has too much snow to be open this time of the year. I stayed at the Many Glaciers Campground, which was visited by moose, deer and bear daily.
He estado en el parque nacional de Glacier en Montana los últimos cuatro días. Este parque es sin duda uno de mis favoritos en los EEUU. Nada más llegar me dio la bienvenida un par de osos, que manera más perfecta de empezar mi semana en el parque.
I was welcomed to the park by our friends the Grizzly bears (bear encounter three and four). This time I could see them from the side of the road.
The second day I decided to hike to Cracker Lake. It took me a little under eight hours to go up and down, it really kicked my butt, but it was worth it. You decide based on the pictures.
El día después decidí subir a uno de los lagos de altura. Me metí una buena paliza pero mereció la pena.
Cracker Lake, Glacier NP, Montana
I really enjoyed this side of Glacier, it was a great time of the year to be here, flowers everywhere, no problem getting campsites, a little bit of weather but nothing that stopped me from enjoying it.
Glacier National Park still rates as one of the most beautiful parks in the US, and the luck of buses and crowds (at least on the East Side) makes it more appealing than most National Parks.
I am in Calgary right now visiting my friends Steve and Basia and I will be moving north towards Banff and Jasper by the end of the week.
Ahora estoy en casa de Steve y Basia en Calgary. Estaré aquí un par de días y ya sigo hacia el norte, cada día un poco más cerca de Alaska.
Life is good!
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The campground hosts, two cute elderly couple who held their hands while walking around the campsite, told me that night was free, some type of promotion from the local ranger’s office. Cool, that will help my accommodation budget, I thought. The campground was part of the Shoshone National Forest, maybe thirty minutes passed Dubois, Wyoming. There were a couple of posters with trails information in the area and it looked promising so I thought I would stay there for another night and keep on going to the Tetons a day later.
In the morning I chose what it looked an interesting hike to some high elevation lakes, got my gear and drove the five miles towards Brooks Lake where most of the trails started from. When I arrived to Brooks Lake I could not believe what I was seeing, the most beautiful mountain surrounded lake I have seen in a long time, and the best of all… no Japanese. The light was not right for the lake itself so I proceed to the upper Jake Lakes. It was a beautiful hike, through healthy woods and meadows, roaring rivers and small frozen lakes. Soon I was knee deep in snow, so my pace slowed down considerably, but four hours later I made it to Jade Lake, breathtaking partly frozen lake on the base of big stone walls still full of snow. The silence of the place was only broken by the booming sound of snow avalanches falling from the top of the ridge. I took a bunch of pictures but more than anything I sat and relax, I just sat in silence. It was purifying.
With my feet soaking wet by the slushy snow, I proceed to return towards Brooks Lake as I knew the light would only get better later. I kept myself distracted talking to all the hidden bears around me, there were tracks everywhere, so I just talk out loud to them so they can hear me and I do not surprise them. Three hours later and tired from sinking on the snow I made it back to the lake. I took a few pictures but overall it was too early for the shot I was waiting for. So I changed my shoes, opened a poetry book a really nice person gave me before I left Kansas City (yes you know who you are) and waited a couple of hours for the magical evening light to arrived.
I was so happy! There were only two people at the lake, fishing, nice people, Wyoming cowboys kind of people, very friendly. I guess the lake just unfroze a couple of days ago so not that many people venture to it this early.
After this day, I said, forget the Tetons, I am staying here for a few days, and I did. I came back every evening to hope for better light, better clouds, better choices of how to photograph the area. I loved it. I felt so lucky to have found such a place. I hope my images tell the story, they sure do for me. I will never forget this place. On my way to Montana, I drove by Grand Teton national park and waved goodbye the many buses stopped by the side of the road full of smiling Japanese. I never stopped once.
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Miro a mi soledad sabiendo que lo que me rodea está lleno de vida. Busco a los compañeros que reinan estos parajes. No han venido hoy, han encontrado otro sitio para contemplar toda esta perfección. En soledad conecto con todos a los que quiero, me llegan a la mente. Me rodean, sus risas, los momentos que compartimos. Y me siento en silencio dejando que los recuerdos lleguen y los observo lentamente. Los reflejos de la última luz del día me traen paz, me hacen echar de menos el sentimiento del amor, el cálido tacto que ya he perdido. Los últimos rayos del sol en los picos me recuerdan del valor de lo que teníamos, lo completo que te puedes sentir cuando tienes lo que nosotros compartimos.
El final de otro día perfecto incendia mi imaginación. Visiones del futuro aparecen, un nuevo futuro. Tantas posibilidades, tanto por elegir. De todos ellos, el encontrar una nueva compañera con la que compartir momentos como este llega más fuerte que ningún otro. Este momento solo se puede mejorar con amor en silencio. Silencio que dice más que ninguna de estas palabras, más que ninguna imagen que haya capturado. Una mano junta para la eternidad, una caricia que rompe la soledad, una caricia que habla con pureza, una mirada a esos ojos amados, solo eso puede superar la belleza de este momento.
Brooks Lake, Wyoming
9 de Junio 2013
I look around aware of my untruthful solitude. I look for the companions who reign this valley. They did not come today, they found a different place to contemplate perfection. In solitude I connect with the loved ones, they come to my awareness; they surround me, their laughs, the moments shared together. And I sit in silence, letting all the memories go through my mind, slowly. The reflections of the ending light bring me peace, make me miss the close feeling of love, the warm touch I no longer have. The last warm sun rays on the peaks remind me of how valuable what we had was, how complete all can be when you have what we had.
The ending of another perfect day ignites my imagination. Visions of the future, the new one, pass along. So many different choices, so many different possibilities. Of all of them, the finding of a companion who I can share this moment with comes stronger than any other. This perfection can only be improved with love in silence. Silence that says more than any words I can write, than any image I can freeze in time. A hand hold for eternity, a touch that breaks solitude, a touch that speaks with purity, a look through those loved eyes, only that can overcome the beauty I witness now.
Brooks Lake, Wyoming
June 9th, 2013
Haciendo bici de montaña en Steamboat Springs en la Emerald Mountain. No hay efectos de velocidad en este video, es tal y como lo filmé. Este video dedicado a Isabel y Martin, por vivir la vida a tope. Es in poco largo salvo que aprecies Bici de montaña.
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Lo siento por no tener la version subtitulada en español. Esto fue una andada el 24 de Mayo en el parque nacional de Grand Teton.
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Algunas imágenes en las que he estado trabajando los dos últimos días. Dime que te parecen, cuéntame que te viene a la mente cuando las observas.
Yellowstone Buffalo
Desert Titan
Desert Storm
Snake River
The perfect Mountain
Jackson Lake Evening clouds
Desert Sculpture
Hot springs Buffalo
Exploding desert cloud
Colter Bay Pier
Clouds and Wind
Solitude in Canyonlands
Cactus, desert and flowers
Tetons morning reflection
Evening perfect canvas
]]>A little bit of visual poetry from the Tetons
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When I was a teenager I came around a very interesting book. I think it belong to my father. The name of the book is Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Back. It is a very short book, you can read it in less than thirty minutes, but the message last a life long. The book tells the story of an uncommon seagull who decides to break the rules and master the art of flying, above and beyond any other seagull had ever done. And by doing so Jonathan did alienate himself from the others and he was seen as a strange element. At the end, his passion and tenacity to become something better changed the way all seagulls behave and a new normal was created.
I recommended this book to my new friend Sebastian Henn. I met Sebastian for first time two days ago; he was hoping to catch a ride to Steamboat Springs hitchhiking from somewhere along my route. He was lucky I love to pick up hitchhikers, so I emptied my front seat, threw his heavy backpack in the trunk and for a few hours I was going to have a companion on my trip. Sebastian had been traveling for three months all over the US, from North Carolina to California; he had found his way by hitchhiking, using buses or whatever form he could find. He camped most of the time in cheap campgrounds or wherever he could plant his tent. And he did all this being nineteen years old of age.
He decided to live that experience and use it as an inspiration to write, which is his passion. He thought what better time to do it than before he starts college at the end of this summer. Sebastian is a quiet guy, he did not say much, probably because he was a little intimidated by me, so I did most of the talk at the beginning. Soon he relaxed a little and started talking about his life, his family and his passions. Pretty soon I knew that Sebastian was going to be a great spark to a lot of interesting thoughts, so I offered him to use my bunk bed in my trailer and he gladly accepted.
We arrived to Steamboat a couple of hours later and we walked the town, had dinner, and had time to talk about all kind of things. Of course me telling him about my journey, the reasons for it and all it had happened to me in the last six months was very impressive to him. The funny thing is I was a lot more impressed with his adventure than I was with mine. But he brought a good point, I gave up a well establish successful life for the possibility of adventure and a new life, and he was very impressed by that. It was so refreshing to meet a young man like him, with no fear, no boundaries, full of opportunity. I really think I was very jealous of him, as I wish I could have understood life as well as he does as such a young age.
Of course I talked a lot about Sue, all she meant to me and how wonderful life can be by sharing it with such a special person. He listened, he listened a lot, and after a few minutes of silence, he said something that touched so deeply I still get very emotional just to think about it, he said: “I wish I had met your wife, she sounds like a very special person”. I know Sue would have loved Sebastian and she would have one more time become a motherly role to another smart, passionate, brave young man.
I know we will cross paths again in the future. I hope he reads the book I read a long time ago. I actually gave Sue that book for her birthday a few years back and I carry it as one of those special treasures in life. Jonathan “Sebastian” Seagull, I wish you the best, keep living life with such an intensity and your life will be an exceptional experience.
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Since my first visit to the Southwest I have always dreamed of driving and exploring the desert by myself, taking the time to really absorb the beauty that it hides inside. So last week I spent a lot of time following never ending dirt roads that opened windows to many thoughts and many quiet moments with only the wind as soundtrack.
I drove for hours inside Cannyonlands, following the path created by the almighty Colorado river. There were moments were I just sit down quietly and try to understand the view that is presented in front of me, this perfect carving of the land by time, by weather, by water. I could only think on the chaos of rocks, colors, textures and shapes and I just could not capture it, I gave up.
I felt it was an impossible task to capture such beauty; an image, a video was not enough. So I sat in silence and look at if for what it seemed hours, in silence, with my thoughts. It was a beautiful moment that I will remember for ever.
Then I figured out that after driving for three hours I have only done maybe ten percent of the loop that I was trying to do that day, so... oh crap! It would have taken me easy another twelve hours to finish, if the road would not get worst of course. So I went back the way I came.
After almost six hours of off-road driving I was completely exhausted. With the evening light behind me I drove back to my home on wheels and crashed, completely covered with dust, dizzy from the bouncing and turning and breaking and jumping of the day. This week in Moab, Utah has been a dream come true for me, but right now I am very happy to be away from the desert dust for a while. Colorado seem like a perfect place to wait for the northern spring to come.
I was smart heading south for a while. As I was driving towards Moab, Utah I could see the mountain peaks full of fresh snow. Even the La Salle mountains near Moab had a little bit of snow this week, so I imagine Wyoming and Montana had it share. So here I am in the desert having a blast exploring canyon roads, canyoning and enjoying the special blue of the desert sky. I am putting my Xterra to the test and having a lot of fun doing it.
Yesterday I did a small canyon with a local outfit and only open my taste for more. Right before I came to the States I spent a lot of time doing canyons in Spain and I think is one my favorite sports. So Saturday I am doing a bigger one, I can’t wait.
I am also spending a lot of time doing video of landscapes; I would like to learn more about videography. I always thought that some moments need music in the background, and felt like music could have been part of nature. Doing video helps me relate how in my mind music and nature can work in harmony. Hopefully by the end of this trip I will have enough footage to be able to put together something creative.
I am going to take a couple of days next week and process the tons of images I have taken so far, and hopefully I will have a good internet connection to upload some of the movies I have made already. Right now I can only upload images and not all the time. I am putting some Instagram images in Facebook, so friend me if you would like to see them.
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Today I drove all day through Yellowstone National Park. It was a long day and I was really hoping to find a lot of wildlife... well I did not, other than buffalo and one elk, five hours of driving was not worth it. Don't read me wrong, Yellowstone is beautiful but in my opinion Grand Teton is much better. The funny thing is that after all day looking for wildlife, it was near my campsite in the Tetons that I found my first bear of the trip. I went for a short walk on a trail near the lake and there he was, a small grizzly eating grasses on the woods. I did not surprise him so he kept on eating and I started following him a little with my long lens. It was awesome and maybe I am just a fool but I was not scared at all. I am sure if it was a full blown grizzly maybe I would have felt different. We will see, I am sure that situation will come sooner or later in Alaska.
Mi primer encentro con un oso en Gran Teton, precioso.
I have not spent a lot of time developing these images but I think they will give you an idea of close I got to it.
I love the Tetons, this is paradise.
Six o'clock am filter on
Right after sunset filter on
From Ansel's view point
]]>It was a cloudy day today. Not the best for photographic exploration. No matter what I loaded my car with all my photo gear, food, water, ready for anything. I drove away from the main road, took the national forest roads outside the national park and I really enjoyed driving my Xterra. All my doubts about having the wrong car are gone now, there are some areas I found that no regular SUV would have got to. I found some interesting textures inside the forest and great views of the Tetons from not usual angels.
I drove south with the intention of making it to Jackson Hole but instead I stayed most the time at a very special place for me. In 1942 Ansel Adams took a picture of the Snake river that has always captivated me. I found that place and stayed taking a few shots, and every time I was ready to go the view had changed with different light and different clouds in the sky. I really enjoyed taking picture after picture, for more than one hour. Some people would say: why to take a picture somebody else has already taken? My answer is very simple, why to play basketball if you will never play as good as Jordan? I am not trying to beat Ansel, I know I can only get a little closer to him, but I will never reached the level of dedication he put into his art.
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I made it to Grand Teton National park on the 23rd after a long 9 hours drive with crazy winds through Wyoming. Very interesting drive but I pushed too hard for no reason. I was eager to get to the Tetons and also to get out of the bad weather.
Today I had a fabulous day. I did a long 8 hours hike but it was so worth it, absolutely beautiful. You will see pictures in the next few days. Unfortunately the days of internet through my phone are over for a while. I am using the lodge wifi while about half a million Japanese tourist are checking into the national park, half a million might be an exaggeration but it feels that way. Right now I am super tired and I am going night night soon.
Ya he llegado al parque nacional de Gran Teton y el tiempo es maravilloso. Hoy he estado haciendo montaña todo el dia y ya estoy muy cansado. Igual me quedo un poco mas tiempo aqui, es precioso.
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I had no intention of staying in South Dakota for very long. Surprisingly I am very much enjoying these Native American landscapes. I made it to Custer State Park almost by mistake and I have been so impressed with it that I stayed two nights. This morning I hiked the tallest peak in the area, the Harney Peak, not very high but beautiful landscape. Always that I am hiking Sue’s memories come to my mind very vividly, I felt her with me the same way I felt her on my climb to Kilimanjaro. It was a good feeling and kept me company.
No tenia ningun plan de quedarme en esta zona del pais, pero he estado muy impresionado con Dakota del Sur, tanto que me he quedado un par de dias. Hoy he hecho una andada Buena hasta la cima de una montañica en el parque de Custer. Siempre que estoy de andada me acuerdo mucho de Sue, me ha hecho compañia todo el dia. Mañana de camino al parque nacional de Gran Teton en Wyoming.
I could not see much of the summit as it was cloudy and windy… enough of that!!! On the way down it cleared up a little. It was nice, no complains. Tomorrow I am making it half way to Wyoming; hopefully stay at a rest area along 25 hwy. Gran Teton NP is next.
Instagram Image of the rock formations in this side of the country
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In the middle of the deserted lands that surrounded my last few months, I find comfort in solitude. I find comfort on the wind, on the visions of nature, on the visions of purity. In silence I listen to you, I listen to your memory. And the wind me brings me your warmth, the wind brings me your memory. In silence I listen to all you meant to me. And the wind brings me back to your love, and the purity of the landscape brings me back to what we shared together. I look at the clouds in movement, I look at the sky covered by massive movement, massive beauty, and that brings me to you. I see them run free, l see them in movement, I see them following a decisive path, they follow the wind, they seek freedom, they seek peace. And I listen to the wind and try to understand their meaning, try to translate all this perfection to my life. I am in motion again, like the clouds, but the meaning of all I carry in my head still has no reasoning. I will continue listening, and patiently will find an answer.
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After a whole night of wind and rain I woke up to… well, wind and rain! I have not made it out of the trailer this morning yet. I decided it would be a perfect day to organize myself a little. I am doing very well I have to say. Got rid of a whole box of unnecessary junk I brought. It is even hard to type with all the shakiness, the wind is brutal. I spent part time of the morning creating a memory wall with pictures from my past of people I love and I can never forget. It was a good exercise. A few tears here and there but overall a good positive feeling.
Despues de toda una noche de viento y lluvia me he levantado... con viento y lluvia. Creo que voy a pasar todo el dia en la caravana organizando todo un poco.
It is such a weird thing to be in a desert like place and it has not stopped raining for twelve hours. You would think I would start having a little of cabin fever but actually I am enjoying this time in my new home. Fortunately I have full internet connection through my cell phone, that helps.
Music by John Svoboda
Yesterday was a great day. For first time I was aware of the fact that I am by myself in a world full of opportunities. When I stop by the road and just stand, looking at the clouds, I felt the difference and the uniqueness of what I am doing. I had no guilt of taking my time, I had no schedule, I had nowhere to be, just being there hoping the sun would go through the clouds for a few seconds. I had my cameras and my thoughts with me. The reality of what I am doing is starting to hit me.
Ayer fue un dia muy bueno. Me di cuenta de verdad por primera vez que estoy solo en este viaje lleno de oportunidades. Cuando me pare en la carretera a observar las nubes entendi la unica oportunidad que estoy viviendo.
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I am so glad I stopped and checked out this small national park. After many hours of farm land and prairie I was looking forward for a little change on the scenery. This desolate landscape reminds me of the desert that surrounds the city where I was born in Spain. I spent a lot of time mountain biking there when I was a teenager. When I arrived to the national park I could see the storm clouds running in the sky, pushed by the common winds that blow constantly of this part of the US. I waited for the evening light, hoping that a little light would filter through the clouds and would give me a chance for a good image.
I drove away from the main road and took a small dirt road that allowed me to get away from the other visitors. I stopped my car and enjoyed the sound of the wind on the grasses. I love the feeling of cool air in my face. The clouds got darker and bigger. They sprinted on the horizon looking for the last daylight, and with that, they brought me a beautiful canvas. It was so peaceful. It was so real. It was so beautiful. I stopped and thought how much I missed the desert and how much I am looking forward to moments like this. I did not feel alone, I felt full of life.
Day 2. Yesterday I left our beautiful home at 9 am as planned. There were no tears, there were no sad feelings. That house was our home and we were very happy there. I will always remember it as a house full of love and laughs. It was also the house where I saw my wife say goodbye to all. Now it is just a house, no longer a home for me. I left at 9 am, said “see you later” to my very good friends Shane and Cindy, now there were tears on that one. I left the house and drove to GENESYS, my school for the last fourteen years, the place I learned about all the things I am capable of and all the things business provide, good and bad. I said goodbye to a lot of great people, incredible amount of great people. They all gather by the front and gate and wished me good luck. I drove through the gate crying as a baby; I know they were all very happy for me and now I know it is time for a different school, for a different experience, it is time for getting my life in motion one more time.
I made a stop at Squaw Creek wildlife refuge. No bold eagles this time of the year
I drove to Wahoo Nebraska were I reconnected with a good friend, Daron Larson. I had a lovely evening with Daron and Trish and their beautiful daughters. We went through some of my photo books and it was the perfect way to get me back in focus on the goals I have lined up for the next couple of years. I am going to work on taking my photography where it needs to go. For now I am goofing around, warming up with Instagram. Soon I will be in the Rockies and it will be a different story.
My home on wheels and my ride
Tonight I will spend it in a rest area somewhere in South Dakota… I really have no clue where I am right now, I just trust my GPS. I will imagine the traffic noise is the ocean waves crashing on the beach, Sue used to say that. I can feel her very close, she is smiling.
Rest Area somewhere in South Dakota
Tomorrow I get to the Badlands, I hope the weather holds up
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Sometime in 1997, don't remember exactly when, while I was still in college, my dear friend Sue called me at the darkroom where I hold a student aid job. My boss Judy passed me the phone and the conversation was quick and easy. Sue simply asked me: "Carlos do you want to go to Alaska?” The answer was even quicker: "Sure". A few months later in the spring on the same year, we embarked on the trip that set precedence to an amazing journey, the journey my dear wife Sue and I lived for seventeen more years.
Today I embark on a different journey, a journey in search of a new life, in search of answers, on reasons, on meaning to all the craziness that has surrounded me in the last eight months of my life. Today I am getting ready to go back to Alaska, this time alone, with Sue in my mind. Today I am starting my journey... today I am going northwest!
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