Looking back

August 26, 2013  •  1 Comment

I keep looking back at the special moments that have made this journey. I remember the quiet beautiful solitude of the Tangle Lakes, the magical moments I spent looking at the clouds pass, looking at the sky on its most perfect state. The music of those moments will echo in my mind for the rest of my life, and the memories of the person I was at that moment will be a guide to the path ahead of me. I respect that me, I believe in that me, it is just hard to find him sometimes when you go back to be surrounded with the normal. For now I must stay away from all that normal, I must keep the momentum to see the wheels turning and pay attention to the exit on the road ahead of me.

 

This is not wasted time, this is not letting time go by without purpose; it is the opposite. I have stopped time as I search inside me, as I look in the mirror, as I decipher the mystery, as I find peace with who I am. I look inside and the feelings are so truthful, they are so pure, they are so real. The music of my life bounces around me in harmony with my surroundings, and I like what I see, I like where I am going. Is a strange emotion to know your path is the correct one when you cannot see the end of it, when you have no idea of where is taking you. The fear of the mystery ahead energizes my journey; it powers my imagination and slows down the ticking of the clock.

The roaring river taught me about the speed at what life moves around us. The wild unstoppable river that carries the memories of frozen glaciers, that carries life to all the valleys down, the killer river, the living river. Like life we see them go, never still, always with a purpose, always with a defined path, with an unavoidable ending. We observe them and bring peace to our soul, the same peace I might find one day when I look at my life the same way I looked at that river up in the mountains of Alaska. I walked its frozen birth; I observed its perfect delivery from blue ice; and with a sound of continuous softness I looked at its first few steps, his first few turns towards the ocean, the end, the final destination, the endless cycle of water, the endless cycle of life, the mystery that my journey is trying to solve.

And I want to believe that she found the same ocean, the same destination, a pure blue ocean full of life, full of miracles. I walked the path with her; I went down the valleys with her, fast, furious, passionately, discovering beauty in every turn until we finally found the ocean together. And I let her go into the endless horizon, the endless blue horizon, and the end of the day took her. I have explored your birth in the mountains and I will follow you to the ocean to close our journey together once more, the last journey together I have lived for the last four months.

The images, the memories, the sounds of my journey will always be bound to us, as they got me closer to her, to you, than I ever thought possible. Your image is now dissolved with all the special moments I have lived within a shared solitude. It has been your gift to me; it has been your way of taking care of me while I heal from the pain of losing you. I found the path of recovery by listening to you deep inside and now that I am no longer going northwest, now that I am returning to my beginning, I can feel your presence in my life better than ever.

I can’t think anymore in all the time we could have had together, all the secrets we could have discovered if the sunset would not have taken you with her. I only think on the new beginnings I will be discovering with you in my heart, with you engraved in my soul. And I will know that you will watch for me deep inside, that you will be the river that clears the path ahead until I also reach one day the ending ocean of our lives. You gave me the gift of a new life, you went in silence, you left me confused with the meaning of a sudden ending, but now I know the real gift you presented to me on that November evening, a treasure that cannot be found anywhere else but in true love, a treasure it took me a while to discover.

 

Now I carry that great responsibility of the gift given with fear and focus; I look ahead and the normal is a path I can no longer take, only the extraordinary is the way of fulfill the promise of never waste such a treasured gift. But I still have a lot to learn in order to find the right door that will open a direct route to a life worth of you. The wheels are turning constantly now and I run down the hallway seeing the doors fly by my sides, it is difficult to stop now, too many choices, too many options. I am slowing down now, I am looking ahead and the more I learn the more I can read what’s behind each door. As I open one door it walks me into another corridor of many more choices, but I am still moving, I am still rolling, I am alive, I am getting closer with every turn, with every door, with every new hallway of life.


Comments

Karen Dunville(non-registered)
Carlos, once again your writing expresses the depth of your soul and the depth of the impact of your relationship with Sue and its impact on you. Your words are beautiful, your journey has lead you to explore the meaning of life in our universe, in the human connections we make as well as in the connectedness of nature and all of life. All of the connections we make in life change us and enrich us for the better. Thaks for sharing you reflections.
As you continue to open the doors you find, I pray you continue to know yourself and how you are gift to the universe, to those to who know and love you and to those who will come into your life.
You were a great gift to my sister, Sue. You changed and enriched her life and the lives of us who know and loved her. So, we are all connected for the long haul, for the journey of life!
Will we ever complete the phone call connection we have been trying to make to each other?
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